


Locus and the Lovestruck Loons

by Fablegate



Series: When Plans Fall to Malarkey [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: I call this the Locus Wingman AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 00:59:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14414241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fablegate/pseuds/Fablegate
Summary: In which, against his better judgement, Locus becomes invested in his teammates' love lives.





	1. Ch 1: Grif/Simmons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Locus complains

"Grif." Locus grunted.

_thump_

"Locus." Grif groaned.

_thump_

"We need to-shit!-" Locus cursed as the bed creaked unsteadily. "We need to talk about this."

_thump_

"Ugh..can it wait?" Grif huffed.

_thump_

"Are you going anywhere right now?" Locus didn't bother hiding the annoyed look he gave the orange simtrooper.

_thump_

"W-what? No!" Grif shot an equally annoyed look.

_thump_

"In that case..."

_thump_

"Ugh, fine, what?"

_thump_

"I think you should talk to Simmons."

_thump_

"No way dude. We've talked about this." Grif cursed breathlessly as his back pressed into the bed. "I'm done with Simmons."

_thump_

"Then can you at least-" Locus groaned. His arms were getting tired. "-can you at least stop using Caboose and myself as an excuse to avoid him."

_thump_

"What do you mean? Caboose is a great excuse!" Grif really was out of shape. Locus was fairly certain he was going to faint from lack of oxygen to his brain.

"Be-besides, I don't hear you complaining!"

_thump_

"I am complaining. In fact. Right this very moment." Locus purposefully looked at the bed they were currently using to barricade the door to his room. The dinosaur on the other side seemed very insistent on getting in.

_thump_

"Yeah." Grif finally admitted. "Maybe jumping to play hide and seek with Caboose's dinosaur wasn't the best idea."

_thump_

"You don't say."

_thump_

\----

"Simmons." Locus ignored the maroon simtrooper's startled yelp when he entered Red Base's tv room. Simmons looked from whee he had his detached arm balancing on his lap and a screwdriver in his fleshy hand.

"L-L-Locus!" Simmons stuttered, almost knocking his arm to the ground. "W-w-what brings you...here?"

Ever since Grif started avoiding Simmons, Simmons had started avoiding Locus. The first week it happened, Locus would admit he did not care in the least. But they've been like this through half of the third week now. He refused to put with this for a full month.

"Maintenance." Locus answered in his usual calm tone, holding up his own tool kit.

"Oh." Simmons didn't sound happy about that. "Do...do you have to do that here...?"

Locus raised an eyebrow at him.

"No, yeah yeah, you're right I should leave." Simmons stumbled a bit as he awkwardly tried collecting his things. Locus debated on whether to leave, let Simmons leave, or end this bullshit here and now.

"No. you shouldn't." Locus said before taking his seat on the opposite end of the couch. Red Team was at least aware enough of the size of their team to get a couch that could fit them all. And it gave plenty of room between Locus and Simmons to do their separate maintenances.

"Oh. Um..." Simmons said as Locus put his own blanket over the empty space of the couch to do his work. Then the maroon simtrooper went quiet after that and just tried going back to working on his arm. Keyword being tried. It's amazing how much fidgeting the man could do with just one hand.

"You should talk to Grif." Locus said as casually as he could be while popping off his own arm. It didn't hurt as much as attaching did. But it certainly felt weirder feeling something there and the next have it gone.

"Wh-WHAT?!" Locus didn't flinch as Simmons' voice rose. He looked up from his arm to see the man already becoming as red as his armor. His face was screwed up in a way that he was trying to hide his emotions very porly. All he achieved was looking flustered. "Wh-why would you say that?!"

"Because it's what you should do." Locus said it simply.

"Well you're wrong! It's a terrible idea!" Simmons furrowed his eyebrows and looked back down to mutter over his arm. "A stinky, horrible, nasty idea."

Locus closed his eyes and sighed before focussing on his own arm. Why. Why were they like this.

"Also, you're doing it wrong."

"Hm?" Locus looked back at Simmons who was watching him out of the corner of his cyborg eye.

"You're cleaning it wrong." Simmons frowned. When Locus didn't respond right away, the maroon simtrooper sighed. He closed up the panel on his arm before popping it back in, barely flinching at the nerves re-connecting which impressed Locus some. Then, before Locus could do anything, Simmons swiped his arm from him and started cleaning it himself.

"I can do it." Locus insisted. He should be the one to do it. It was his arm that he needed to get used to cleaning.

"You can just watch it be done right and do it next time." Simmons grumbled back. It threw Locus off how sudden Simmons' demeanor changed.

But, all the same, he let Simmons be and simply watched. After all the man knew more than Locus about cybernetic upkeep.

"...Why should I talk to him?" Simmons eventually muttered. "Since he's always hanging out with you."

Ah yes. For some reason Simmons thought Locus was a threat to his love life.

"That's exactly the reason why." Locus met Simmons' gaze when he looked up. "You remember the dinosaur incident last week?"

"How could I? I was the one that had clean up the mess it made in the hall."

"Yes, and I was the one barricaded in my own room-"

"With Grif."

"-for **two hours**." Locus squinted at Simmons for that comment. "I would really really like for the dinosaur incident not to happen again because Grif is too scared to talk to you."

Simmons went beet red now, huggin Locus' arm to his chest like a lifeline.  
"Wh-?! He-??! W-wait! How do you know???!"

"Simmons, you and Grif are both very obvious. And I think me telling you proves that."

"B-but..why do you care???"

"I really don't. Both your antics in avoiding one another have just become irritating and inconvenient enough to me and I would like it to stop."

"...." Simmons slowly lowered Locus' arm. "But...what if I try and he-"

"Simmons I will lock you both in a small room if I have to." It wasn't as much of an empty threat as it should have been.

"Mmmh." Simmons' mouth madea tight line as he hummed nervously before shaking his head and going back to working on Locus' arm. "Okay! Okay! Just...lemme finish your arm so I have some time to think about what to say."

"Alright." Locus accepted that and sat back on the couch to watch Simmons work.

\------

"Sammy!" Locus saw the pink simtrooper running at him and was given plenty of time to brace for a hug. Donut was tiny compared to Locus though, and Donut took full advantage of that. Each time he'd run up, jump on Locus and just hang from the ex-merc's neck while kicking his little feet up behind him.

"Hello Donut." Locus said, holding his tea and datapad away to avoid any sort of mess.

"What did you do?!" Donut asked absolutely thrilled. "And how?! I've been trying to get them together for years! I almost gave up thinking one was just too big for the other's hole-"

Locus already knew what Donut was talking about. But god, he did not need to think about that last part. At all.

"I just told them to talk to each other or I would lock them together in a room."

"And that worked?!" Donut's jaw dropped. Locus could only shrug. Apparently it was enough for Donut as the pink simtrooper squealed with delight. He pulled himself to bonk his helmet against Locus', an attempted kiss on the cheek, before releasing the ex-merc and running off to either tell the others or make some sort of celebration out of it.

Or both.

Locus decided he didn't care.  
\-----  
Two different colored arms were brushing against him while he was having his morning tea at the kitchen counter.

"No." Locus said. Not for the first time.

"Dude come on." Grif said on his right side.

"You gotta let us thank you somehow." Simmons said on his left.

"You really don't."

"Except we really do." Simmons argued.

"So I'm thinking we go to Earth and have ourselves a feast." Grif leaned against Locus who was deciding to let the orange simtrooper off the hook. This time.

"No."

"We can..." Simmons was leaning in too, which Locus wasn't sure he'd let pass.

"We can go to a target range and have some target practice."

"No." Locus knew Grif would never remember to bring ammo to a practice range and Simmons would get too nervous thinking the practice was a test.

Both the simtroopers were quiet for a moment and for a moment Locus thought they'd given up.

"Okay, how about we just sit on top of Red Base tonight?" Grif finally said.

"We can have a few beers and guess constellations!" Simmons added.

"Nerd."

"Shut up."

Locus just sighed.

"...Fine."  



	2. Ch 2: Washington/Tucker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Locus breaks a door down.

"...Sneaking...Sneaking..." Locus didn't look up from his pushups as he heard the quiet whispering behind him. "...Sneaking...Sneaking..." 

"Hello Caboose." Locus huffed, Sarge wasn't here so he was able to do single arm push-ups. Though, ever since the Felix incident, Sarge seemed to lay off some. It wasn't as though Sarge could bother him about doing with push-ups with one arm anyway. He only had one arm left. 

"I am sneaking." Caboose whispered while crouch-walking around the ex-merc. "Locus, you cannot see me, I am so sneaky."  

"Of course." Locus sighed. "How silly of me." 

He ignored the weight added to his back as Caboose sat down.  

"I have super secret message."  

"From who?" 

"If I tell you then it would not be secret!" Caboose whisper scoffed. Locus decided it was safe enough to roll his eyes. "Tucker needs your help." 

"...Tucker." Locus replied in a tone that was a vague enough to almost be curious. 

"He is super sad." 

"...."  

"He is super sad." 

"I heard you the first time, Caboose." 

"Wash is super sad, too." 

"I assume both are related?" 

"How are they related? *Gasp* Are they secretly brothers??"  

"I mean are they both sad for the same reason." Locus grunted. 

"Well I don't know if-" 

"Just tell me what happened." 

\------ 

Locus kicked the door to Tucker's room open. There was no sock on the door handle so he had no need to restrain himself coming in. It was also a very not Locus way of entering a room, but Sam was trying out a page from Sarge’s book. To see how it would feel. 

He was starting to think that Carolina’s advice to try things the Reds and Blues did as means to relax was a prank. Because this did not feel very great. There was now a broken door at his feet and a very shocked aqua simtrooper rolling off his bed in pure shock. 

 "Shit!" Tucker disappeared behind the bed with a thud. It took him a few seconds before he was back up and holding the handle of his sword. "What the shit man! You gave me a heart attack-" 

"Caboose told me everything." Locus interrupted. Lavernius was suddenly like a statue, even holding his breath. From Tucker's point of view, Locus wondered if all of time seemed to stop as the simtrooper just froze in place.  

"He..." Tucker finally took a breath. "He told you."  

"Everything." Locus watched as Tucker slowly sat back down on the bed. He wasn't sure though if the man had a right to look so pale.  

"I'm a dead man, dude." Tucker said.  

Locus sighed, wondereing if it was too early to back out of this. He was only really here because Caboose was acting depressed over Tucker and Washington not talking and Locus did not possess the emotional capacity to handle Caboose’s feeling on his own yet. Which was also making him now realize there was absolutely no perceivable way he could help Tucker and that he should leave. 

But he had already gone through the effort of kicking the door down. Which meant he probably owed Tucker at least some support. 

"I...don't think Agent Washington is going to kill you over this." Locus tried reassuring. Also, he didn't mean to call Wash Agent again. It was an old habit that kept resurfacing now and again. 

"Yeah, but what about Carolina?" Tucker fell back on his bed and wiped a palm over his face with a groan. "I won't live to see the sunrise!" 

"Hm." Locus took a breath before finally deciding to step into the room.    

"I acted like a complete and total novice!" Tucker continued. "You don't bring flowers on a first date!"  

"Flowers?" The ex-merc picked up the detached door and went about reattaching it. 

"Yeah-wait-how much did Caboose tell you?"  

"Caboose more or less rambled really." The door had been rather easy to kick in. Tucker should invest in stronger hinges. "But he did mention the painting."  

"Oh god." Tucker groaned.  

"And the sculpture." At least he hadn’t damaged to door too badly. It went back on without much trouble. 

"Noooo."  

"...As well as the photographer." He opened and closed it a few times to make sure it was good before leaving it closed. 

"It's not my fault!" Tucker insisted. "I'm a sexy boy that up until recently just liked banging hot chicks! How am I supposed to know how to...how to..." 

"Be romantic with Washington?" Locus supplied. Tucker sighed.  

"Yeah. That." Tucker kept a hand on his face but still looked between his fingers at Locus. "Hey, you have experience with dudes, right? How the heck do you date them?"  

Locus's usual lack of emotion broke with a pointed glare at Tucker. He should shoot the aqua simtrooper for that comment. But really, Locus only had himself to blame for coming to beer night and spilling more metaphorical guts that any man ever should. 

It was his mistake for foolishly thinking he couldn’t possibly die with more regrets. 

"The same way you would date a woman." Locus said slowly. 

"I'm serious." 

"That was a serious answer." Locus assessed the silence that Tucker was not taking the liberty to fill. “Which, I am now realizing is not a good one...considering.” 

“Hey, I know how to date girls.” Tucker said with audible traces of doubt that even Locus could detect. “But Wash is...he’s-he’s just different.” 

“Different...?” 

“Fuck, I don’t know!” Tucker stood up, frustrated. “Different! I remember wanting to get with Kai because she was sexy and a really cool person! I liked her. But with Wash it’s different because he drives me up the goddamn wall! He nags like you would not believe-” 

Locus did believe, actually.  

“He never lets me do anything fun. Like back on Chorus, asshole wouldn’t let me ride a tank to pick up chicks.” 

Locus wasn’t going to comment on that. 

“He’s still a stickler for running drills! We are fucking retired and we are still running drills!” 

Locus wondered if Tucker was actually expecting him to respond or was really just using the ex-merc to verbally vent his frustrations to. 

“Washington is a fucking asshole.” Tucker said it but it did not sound like a statement of anger to Locus. “And I...I-” 

“You took him out on a date.” Locus provided. 

Tucker sighed and sat back down on his bed. 

“Yeah...took him on probably the worst fucking date of his life.” Locus was finally starting to feel awkward just standing in the middle of the simtrooper’s room, staring at Tucker as he wiped a hand over his face with a groan. “I fucking blew it. Again. I wanted to make the date special and-” 

“I think-” Tucker finally looked back up at Locus when the ex-merc interjected. The what could be considered pathetic expression on the man’s face made Locus pause awkwardly. “Emotions are...not my field of expertise-” 

“No fucking shit.” Tucker deadpanned and Locus glared before continuing. 

“Which is why I’m going to ask: why attempt a date with Washington if the ex-freelancer frustrates you so?” 

“Oh my god.” 

“Lavernius I am being serious-” 

“No, I know shut up.” Locus blinked at seeing what looked to be a dawning realization on Tucker’s face. “Holy shit.” 

“...What?” 

“Sam, you absolute genius!”  

“I-what?” Locus felt rather dumb repeating his question but this time he truly did not understand. But that didn’t seem to bother Tucker as he stood up, now with a widening smile. 

“You’re right! Why do I need to date Wash? It’s not like we don’t already see each other every day!” 

“That’s not what I-” 

“And why was I trying to shower him in all those gifts like some pre-pubescent teen who doesn’t even know what sexuality is?! I could just tell Wash this shit!” 

“That you...think he is an asshole?” Locus was very confused now.  

“What? No, idiot, haven’t you been listening?” It took more than several fibers of Locus’ body not to flinch when the man stepped forward and grabbed both the ex-merc's arms. “I’m going to tell that idiot that I like him. And yeah, he’s a dude and that still makes me feel confused sometimes but fuck it! I want to figure that shit out with him!”      

“Okay...” Locus didn’t know how comfortable he was making eye contact with the simtrooper while he was smiling like that.  

“Man, Locus, Donut wasn’t kidding. You’re really good at this shit.” Tucker finally let go and was moving to put his shoes on. “Or at least your good to talk at. It’s like lobbing a grenade at a steel wall and...” 

Tucker paused and good stretch of silence filled the room. Locus sighed. 

“That metaphor got away from you didn’t it?” 

“Yeah...” Tucker admitted, scratching his cheek before shrugging as returned to tying his last shoelace. “But you totally get what I mean.” 

“I really don’t, actually.” 

“Well then don’t think too hard about it.” Tucker said as he opened his door and paused just as he entered the hall to look back at Locus. “But seriously Sam, thanks. You really helped me out.”  

And like that the aqua simtrooper ran off, leaving Locus still standing in the middle of the other’s room. 

 

\----------- 

 

“I did very little.” Locus answered truthfully as he sat beside Donut on his little picnic cloth outside red base. They were both watching the aqua simtrooper and the grey/yellow ex-freelancer walking side by side in the distance on the shore line. Even from this distance, Locus could see their holding hands and bumping shoulders. And Tucker must have said something funny because Washington’s laugh could be heard as well. 

 “Yeah but look at them!” Donut insisted as he handed Locus a wine glass before filling it. “They look like they’re really talking it out. Finally ringing out all that tension out of each other! And whatever you did, it helped!” 

“I...suppose.” Locus finally looked away from the two men in the distance and down at his own wine. He was more used to beer, but joining Donut on his Wine and Cheese hour a few times has made wine not such a terrible drink.            

“They’re hugging!” Donut gasped. 

“Mh.” Locus didn’t look as he took a sip of wine. 

“ _They_ _kissed!!_ " Donut gasped again. Locus caught a glance of the wine of Donut’s glass almost spilling on him as the pink simtrooper leaned against him. 

“Donut, I don’t think I need the play-by-play.”  

“Oh but just look at how cute they are!” Donut suddenly started waving his free arm and raised his voice. “Hey! Wash! Tucker! You’re both doing great!” 

“Donut!” Washington shouted back. “Will you please stop watching us?!” 

“Seriously dude!” Tucker also shouted. “It’s super creepy!” 

“But what else am I going to watch until the cables fixed?”  

“You are yelling in my ear, Donut.” Locus said.  

“Oh, sorry Sam, I didn’t mean to blow your ear out!”  

“What’s all that yapping out there?!” Sarge’s voice came from inside red base. “How am I supposed to fix this tv with all that noise?” 

“Don’t mind us Sarge! We’re just watching Wash and Tucker make out!” 

“ **Donut!!** " 

Locus resigned to his fate as Donut decided the ex-merc's lap was a seat and Sarge came out to yell at the blues to get off their lawn. Even though they were still all the way at the beach. 

At least the wine wasn’t terrible. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyone see s17 ep3 yet? I am really hoping that's not the only thing we see of my favorite ex-merc

**Author's Note:**

> This is short and silly and I absolutely needed to write it.


End file.
